Miss AP's Diary
Friedrich Nietzche once said, ‘In every real man a child is hidden that wants to play.’
Poor ‘real men’ have to spend a lot of time hiding their emotions and fun side. You’d almost feel sorry for them with their beards and their weight of impossible expectations. Of course, real women don’t even hide that child away. Real women know exactly when and how to play up, play with, play on.
Are you woman enough?
Psychologists have identified seven steps of play. Read them, learn them, commit them to memory and you too can be a ‘real woman’ who lets herself have a damn good time.
- Attunement Play: First thing’s first: you need to establish a connection. Lick those lips, lower those eyelids and then raise them slowly enough that you don’t look like you’ve just come up on something and fast enough that you don’t look like you’re on your way down. Look into their eyes. There, you’ve done it. Even if it is just the checkout boy at your local Waitrose.
- Body Play and Movement: Feel your way. I don’t think I need to tell you how this play unfolds.
- Object Play: Now we start to get to the fun stuff. Start with a pair of studded leather gloves, chuck in an eye mask and a pair of handcuffs, and watch the good times unfold.
- Social Play: Ever seen on David Attenborough how lions romp and wrestle each other gleefully? This is you! Throw yourself into it, use that strength you’ve gained from those two pilates classes you did in February, roar with delight, and if your partner-in-romp isn’t game enough, then add someone else into the ring! That’ll teach ‘em social play real quick.
- Imaginative and Pretend Play: This is the kind of play you most usually have on your own, when you use that great big imagination of yours to come up with some fabulous scenario involving aliens or your GCSE French teacher to get you going. Well, you can also call on those aliens when you’re playing with someone else. Just don’t tell them….
- …Unless they want you to. Storytelling and Narrative Play is the next stage in development, and if someone really really wants to know about your deepest darkest fantasies than feel free to narrate in all their glory. They might even want to act them out with you. Which would be difficult if your thing was aliens.
- Creative Play: Catherine wheels, swings, latex, shibari, ice cream – whatever! The world is your sexual playground, go forth and hog the swings.
And if you find yourself getting stuck on number 5 too often, treat yourself to an Avery bodysuit, shimmy into its tinkle-tiny gold chains and softly-enveloping rouleaux straps and you’ll find your play mate will materialise very soon indeed.