Miss AP's Diary

The Dirty Weekend: An English Guide

The Dirty Weekend: An English Guide

Some things deserve to be shared with more than just your Valentine…

Here in the UK, a ‘dirty weekend’ does not imply a weekend spent mucking out the horses, or simply failing to wash oneself for three consecutive days.

The dirty weekend is a glorious opportunity to feast on love’s bounty over several days. It’s a getaway with the sole focus of celebrating love in its many guises, and an integral feature in the calendar of any self-respecting seductress.

But where to go? And what to pack? Here are some star-crossed and steamy weekends I’ve spent in England’s green and pleasant land: if you’re stuck in a romantic rut, I hope these might get your juices flowing.

The Exhibitionist’s Weekend

Some things deserve to be shared with more than just your Valentine…

The Hot Spot: Grayson Perry’s A House for Essex: a building designed in entirety by English artist Grayson Perry, where everything – even the walls, taps and cushions – is an original work of art.

The High Jinks: Staying overnight in an original work of art means one thing: CCTV. Give yourself a kick by staging your own live art installation for the benefit of the cameras.

The packing list: Bright lingerie. Compete with the artwork in punchy Bubbles or sensuous Denver. Complete the picture with a little shimmy of a slip – the scarlet Vallerie will create a red alert for security.

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The Romantic’s Weekend

Add your chapter to centuries of true romance in the English countryside…

The Hot Spot: Cliveden House. The Duke of Buckingham built this palatial English stately home in 1666 as an ode to his beautiful mistress the Countess of Shrewsbury. It’s been the site of some of the country’s most famous romantic trysts ever since.

The High Jinks: Dance naked in the fountain like the young Christine Keeler did, kick-starting the Profumo scandal which rocked the nation, then enjoy crystalline martinis whilst overlooking the grounds before retiring to the Lady Astor suite to continue the frolics.

The packing list: Silk and finest lace only. Cause a stir at dinner in the luscious Mei gown, and then see out the night’s proceedings in nothing but the Darcia playsuit and a pair of diamond drop earrings. Lady Astor would surely have approved.

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The Risqué Weekend

Wouldn’t it be lovely to be hogtied on a Gothic bathroom floor…

The Hot Spot: The Witchery, Edinburgh. Nine suites of unmitigated extravagance right next to Edinburgh castle; the perfect setting to indulge in dark fantasies.

The High Jinks: Book into the Armoury, a decadent red room that would stir even the most cold-blooded creatures towards simmering point. Four-poster beds that beg to have someone tied to them, antique chairs which make perfect spanking stations, and throughout the room, austere antique sculptures and portraits to overlook the proceedings with glee.

The packing list: The Jalousy harness is every dark enchantress’s wardrobe basic, worn with a kinky ouvert knicker, a blindfold and, of course, a good strong paddle.